Obsessed Gardeners
Obsessions come in many forms, you know most of them, there is a self-help group for almost all of them, but what about an obsessed gardener? This has been an understudied affliction, and one of growing proportions. When is an obsession treatable? When it interrupts your normal life style? When does it become a problem? All of the gardeners I know are obsessed in varying degrees. There are the binge gardeners, normally an affliction that hits in the spring, and there are the types who only obsess when they are confronted with plants. The fine gardening obsessor will only obsess in a one of a kind nursery setting; surrounded with only the more refined, obscure and elite plants, he or she will often be accompanied by other obsessors of this level. Typically, the fine gardening obsessor is of a higher educational level and may be very well versed in horticultural jargon, and tries to maintain a dignified air about their obsession. However, if asked, most will admit openly to their addiction. Additionally, this type of sufferer has often visited every nursery in a region, and may travel across continents to get the fix they need, as their disease progresses from casual nursery visits to full blown, can't get enough, addiction. There are classes of obsessors who are less particular about the plant material they partake of and they can be found in droves at the mega-discount stores on the weekends. Where as the previous group would be the champagne class; this group is the beer class. This type may or may not know what they are buying, it may just be filling an immediate need. Statistically, their plants tend to die quicker than the previous group. There are several theories why this is so, perhaps the passion for plants has not been cultivated to an advanced level, or perhaps the plant material itself limits the progression of the affliction to the fine gardening stage. The saddest of all obsessors are those who fill their baskets full of six-packs at the grocery store, or drug store. They obviously are satiated by any plant that happens to come along. And lastly, there are closet gardeners, with only a plant or two hidden in a corner of their room, afraid to let anyone know. Young men suffer from this state as they don't want their buddies to find out, lest they think of them as pansies themselves, although, a man who cultivates is often more attractive to the opposite sex, as it denotes a degree of sensitivity. Most male closet obsessors grow out of their secretivity as they become older. There are almost no gender differences in gardening obsessors as the gardeners reach maturity.
There is a lot of evidence to prove the existence of Excessive Gardeners Syndrome, (EGS), one page on the Internet, is a blatant confessional for the afflicted gardener. For you Internet cruisers who frequent garden sites (another symptom), look up Joe and Mindys Obsession Corner. You may be obsessed if you can answer yes to any of these questions.
Can you no longer get your car into your garage due to all of the gardening paraphernalia? Do you no longer make dinner, letting your family care for themselves while you are out gardening? Do you travel to the nursery twice a week? Do you wish you could find, or do you have a miner's light so you can garden at night? Is your fridge full of seeds and bulbs that need to be chilled before you can plant them? Is the number of your favorite nursery on speed dial? Do you enjoy playing in the dirt more now than you did as a kid? Do you have more gardening tools than you have silverware? When you get your hair cut do you refer to it as pruning? Do you tape Martha Stewart? So you refuse to let anyone inside of your house because it's a disaster, while the outside is a showplace of the neighborhood? Do you refuse to tell anybody exactly how much money you spent on plants? Do you run stop signs because you're looking at the landscaping in somebody's yard? Do you jump out of bed at 5 AM on your days off to go out in the garden to play? Do you stay out until there is absolutely no more light and your family is pleading for you to please come in? Do you sit up half the night on the Internet reading about gardening? This list of questions is just an indicator that perhaps there may be a problem, and perhaps you need counseling, a professional nursery person perhaps could help you. The magnitude of the problem is astounding. Gardening has led the list of most popular hobbies for decades. Can you imagine calling this insidious disease a hobby? Consider the amount of productive man-hours wasted in gardens rather than in some office where real work gets done. I think this should be studied further- in fact I plan to go out today and study the psychological implications in the field setting, the only place to get a good understanding on the complexity of EGS.
I think, even I may have an itty- bitty little problem with obsessive gardener's syndrome, but correct me if I'm wrong, I'm open to criticism. You can find me in my garden if you want to council me.
Carol de Maintenon is a member of Garden Writers of America and owner of Benicia Garden & Nursery.
